Guest Piece by Gregg Updike
Time: Sunday, 0800, October 18, 2020
Place: Joe Biden’s basement (bunker) Wilmington, Delaware
Jill Biden: THE INTERNAL POLLS ARE IN AND THINGS ARE GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET FOR ME, I MEAN JOE, AND YOU NEED TO GET THIS CAMPAIGN TURNED AROUND – NOW!!!
Aide: Should we wake up Joe so he can help us strategize? He has been asleep for twelve hours.
Jill: No, he needs his rest, and he doesn’t help with strategy anyway; he hasn’t had an original thought in thirty years – way back when he was semi-lucid. We’ll just call another lid on today’s campaign before 0900 as I don’t feel like talking into his ear today in case another right-wing reporter from FOX or OAN or even CNN or ABC etc. asks about court packing or Junior’s emails or lap-dance, I mean lap top.
Aide: But he’ll miss the Sunday propaganda ‘news’ shows.
Jill: Yeah, but at least he won’t call Chris Wallace “Chuck”.
Aide: Well, what do we do with the rest of the day Jill? We and our friends at the WAPO and the NY Times couldn’t find a former student of Amy Coney-Barret (ACB) who could be or would be bribed to scuttle or delay her confirmation. Apparently ACB was and is a stellar professor [unlike you and Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren, she mutters under their breath] too.
We have maxed out our social media buddy’s censorship of the NY Post and the thousands of right-wing bloggers. They are getting scared and subpoenaed by the GOP senate and may bail on us to save their skin and Leftist social media monopolistic empires. Our media allies are beginning to turn on us by asking real questions to Nancy Pelosi and your husband, and even the rigged polls are beginning to tighten up in order to protect their reputations.
Jill: Can we get Mini-Mike to pay off any other felons in any other states like PA, NC, WI and MI to vote for Joe and other Democrats?
Aide: No, Mini-Mike is feeling the heat and is not going to waste any more of his money and risk jail by trying to buy any more votes from felons.
Jill: Can we get President Xi or Putin to help out our campaign even more?
Aide: No. They are already doing all they can behind the scenes and any more assistance would be real bad optics.
Jill: How about getting the race-baiting community organizers to redouble their efforts to sow minority discord and vote for us?
Aide: Not going to work this time as the bad orange man Trump (BOM) is converting our lemmings to his side and our despotic message is no longer resonating with them or anyone else.
Jill: How about getting the radical feminists more pro-active to make sure the young ‘educated’ white women and the suburban soccer moms get out and vote for Joe and other Democrats?
Aide: Already done, but we have milked that cow dry and some of these women actually have boys and young men and are beginning to see our real hatred for their families and are #WalkingAway in droves from us and our message.
Jill: What about Harris? Can we get her out on the campaign trail to sell Joe’s message?
Aide: No, she is in quarantine because someone near her tested positive for our bioweapon and is not available. Which is just as well given that she is even less likeable than Hillary was and is.
Jill: Speaking of the Clintons, can we get some help from them on how to turn this around?
Aide: No, for one thing, they don’t like us, and we have already cornered the market on using their “chicanery” on stealing elections.
Jill: How about ‘the One’ (of which Joe was his #2 in every sense of the word) helping us?
Aide: Given the tepid endorsement Barack gave to Biden only after his nomination became a fait accompli, we can’t count on him for much. And given the fact that his endorsement helped sink Hillary in 2016, it would be better if he didn’t campaign for us. In fact, I don’t see him on the campaign trail for any Democrat. He is a smart Politician, can see a loser and doesn’t want to further harm his image (such as it is) by supporting any more losers.
Jill: Watch your tongue!
Aide: [Recoils as if slapped] Sorry madam, a rare moment of honesty overcame me; I’ll not let that happen again.
Jill: Can we get George Soros to use some of his front groups to print up more mail-in ballots of dead people to flood the zone in the swing states? Can we pay more postal carriers to toss Republican mail-in ballots, but this time tell them not to throw them into ditches, but to dispose of them properly?
Aide: No and No. We are already at 110% and can’t have more people voting in districts than actually live in those districts – it might show that voter fraud is going on. And the USPS and their workers are getting scared that they may actually go to jail if they keep this up.
Jill: Can’t we buy off any more judges to keep the mail-in fraud voting going until say mid-November?
Aide: No, the judges we already have on our payroll have done all they can, and they are beginning to get overruled. Seems that [email protected]#$%^&*ing dolt Trump is getting ahead of us on that front too. He is not GHW Bush, GW Bush Jr., Dole, McCain, or Romney and really wants to win.
Jill: Can we get Pelosi to float another bloated COVID relief bill in the house and force the BOM or McConnell to block it in order to tank the stock market again?
Aide: No, we beat that dead horse too much already, the stock market has wised up and will only go up if there is another thought of another stimulus and won’t go down if it gets blocked. Besides, her house lemmings desperately want to leave DC and campaign in their districts to try to save their seats.
Jill: Can we get the Bernie Bros, the Social Justice Warriors (SJWs), Antifa, BLM, Hollywood and Sports to foment riots in other untouched cities?
Aide: No. The Bernie Bros hate us and may even leave us because your idiot husband has reversed himself on fossil fuels and fracking when he told the hicks, the irredeemable deplorable smelly Walmart shoppers, in PA and other states he won’t ban oil etc., and they already hate us because we, like Hillary, and the DNC screwed their Marxist Icon again.
In fact, many will stay home or actually vote for the BOM. The SJWs, Antifa and BLM are actually getting arrested and are being kept in jail, so they are not available in the numbers we need. Hollywood and Sports are maxed out with their monetary support and their executives, the sport commissioners and owners are seeing massive ratings losses and are pulling back their support. Besides, the riots are helping the BOM with his law and order message and if we go into a Republican City or State, the riots will be quickly put down.
Jill: Can we get Laura Bush with Sindy McCain and George Conway of the Lincoln Project, and other never-Trumpers, including senator Mitt to do another anti-Trump commercial?
Aide: No, because like with Megyn Kelly, these people are reviled by thinking voters, are seen as turncoats, and Mitt, after all, is from deep red Utah and has already pissed off most of his constituents. The best we can do is hope he votes against ACB. He is a wuss for the Republicans and equally a wuss for our side – in other words: worthless like most politicians.
Jill: So, there is nothing we can do?
Aide: Apparently not.
Jill: Oh! YOU ARE SO [email protected]#$%^&*u=ing WORTHLESS!!! LISTEN UP!You had better come up with a way to fix (this election this time) this, because if that [email protected]#$%^&*ing bastard wins again, we really all will hang this time. As my husband told the Ukraine President: You have six hours.
In the meantime, get Joe up, clean and change his diaper, pump him full of ‘up-me’ drugs and try to pump some sense into his empty head.
We’ll reconvene tomorrow and come up with a new plan to steal, I mean win this election. And it better be a good one or you all are fired.
Aide: [sheepishly] Yes madam.