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Today’s Campaign Update (Because The Campaign Never Ends) – 4.26.2017

  • Because hate is what they do.:  First Daughter Ivanka Trump decided for some reason to go to Germany to hang out with Chancellor Angela Merkel and some of her other open-borders, globalist pals.  Ivanka seemed surprised when she was booed by the audience as she defended her father during a panel discussion.  Hopefully, this will be a teaching moment for her – you can be as nice as you want to these people, but they will still hate you anyway.
  • It was a bad day for First Daughters everywhere.:  Meanwhile, Chelsea Clinton received her amazingly undeserved “lifetime achievement” from Vanity Fair, and even the starlet from Saturday Night Live who was serving as the emcee of the event couldn’t figure out why she was getting it.  Clue to Chelsea:  When your name is Clinton, and even the lunatic lefties at SNL are mocking you, you might have been better off demurring on the whole “lifetime achievement” thing until you had actually achieved something.
  • Two hundred grand?  How much money do these judges make?:  A federal judge who contributed more than $200,000 to Barack Obama’s presidential campaigns temporarily blocked the Trump Administration’s effort to deny Justice Department funds to sanctuary cities.  The judge’s order is predictably not based on any constitutional reasoning whatsoever, but rather on the judge’s feelings that the denial of these funds will cause those cities “irreparable harm.”  No word on how the judge feels about the irreparable harm cause to the families of thousands of victims who are murdered or raped every year by illegal immigrants in this country.  The Administration said it would appeal what it correctly calls an “egregious overreach”, and said correctly that “the blood of dead Americans” is on the hands of the judge and the Democrats who run the cities in question.
  • Maybe Politico should’ve hired me the write the piece – at least it would have been shorter.:  Some fake reporter named Alex Cantoni wrote a thousand-word piece at Politico in an attempt to explain why it is that Democrats have suddenly begun cussing in unison in their speeches and other public appearances.  He literally twists himself up like a Hanover pretzel in coming up with rationalizations to explain the phenomenon while never landing on the truth.  The real answer, of course, is that the Democrats have obtained polling and focus group data that indicates they will gain votes by cussing publicly.  This is always the overriding reason why Democrats do anything publicly, because their entire political strategy is focused on the acquisition and maintenance of political power, which is always the motivating force behind totalitarians anywhere.  It really is that simple.
  • Welcome to Nordstrom, where everything is fake, even the dirt.:  Nordstrom, which banned Ivanka Trump’s clothing line in January, is now trying to attract millenials by offering them more authentic clothing that truly fits their mindset and lifestyle.  The retailer is now stocking its shelves with jeans and matching jacket that are not only pre-faded, but are also covered with fake, synthetic mud.  That will allow millenials who a) hold a worthless degree in Russian women’s studies, b) have $100 grand in student loan debt, c) are living in their mom’s basement, and d) spend most of their days hanging out at Starbucks to at least look as if they do some work occasionally.  The jeans will set you back $450 a pair, but the jacket is a bargain at only $400.  And hey, Gamma will “lend” you the money.
  • Meanwhile, O’Reilly’s doing podcasts.:  Leftwingers everywhere have been crowing about Bill O’Reilly’s getting canned at Fox News, gleefully predicting that the exit of the guy who has had the top-rated show on cable TV for 15 years would destroy the network.  But then the ratings for the first night of Fox’s new lineup came in, and showed they were up 31%, and all the crowing stopped.  Funny how that works.
  • Because the 5th “Indiana Jones” film just wasn’t quite awful enough.:  Disney announced that Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford have agreed to produce a sixth “Indiana Jones” film, which is tentatively scheduled to premier in theaters on July 10, 2020, three days after Ford turns 78 if he lasts that long.  No word if the plot will involve some combination of Metamucil, colonoscopies and Dentu-cream, but it should.

Just another day in Fake Everything America.

That is all.


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Today’s Campaign Update (Because The Campaign Never Ends) – 4.19.2017

  • Say it ain’t so, Joe!:  Your author is officially in mourning this morning, because the CalExit movement is dead.  Yes, friends, the noble effort to free our country from the state that sends an unending stream of nitwits to infest the U.S. Congress is no more.  The plug was pulled by organizers on Monday because it was revealed that the founder of the movement, some guy named Louis Marinelli, actually lives in…wait for it…RUSSIA!!!!!  I swear I don’t make this stuff up.  If I could make stuff like this up, I would be a fabulously wealthy novelist.
  • A mind is a terrible thing to lose.:  Speaking of nitwit members of congress from the Golden State, California congresswoman Maxine Waters told a fake interviewer with MSNBC that she had never called for the impeachment of President Donald Trump.  That statement came just a day after she had promised an audience during a speech that she will do everything she can to impeach the President, and just moments after she had issued a Tweet that said “The President is a liar, his actions are contemptible, & I’m going to fight everyday until he’s impeached.”  Again, I swear I don’t make this stuff up.
  • I mean, like, it paid for my million dollar wedding, so it’s like, totally awesome.:  Chelsea Clinton, the dimwitted daughter of The Most Corrupt Woman in America, told an interviewer that people “just don’t understand” how fabulous the Clinton Foundation really is.  She also said she is “definitely not interested” in running for political office, so she’s got that traditional Clinton bald-faced lying tactic down to a T.
  • This either does or doesn’t explain a lot.:  Netflix announced that, from 2015 through early this year, its users had spent more than 500 million hours streaming films starring Adam Sandler.  Every political observer from all corners of the ideological spectrum believes this explains what is wrong with those on the other side.
  • Yes, it’s a side benefit of mass starvation.:  A British former Olympian and candidate for Parliament told an interviewer that regardless of what else one thinks about North Korea, they really have got a “handle” on that whole obesity thing.  He later apologized on Twitter.
  • Can’t wait to see what Maxine Waters does with this one.:  Don’t look now, but the Democrat Party has obviously obtained polling data that indicates they can gain votes from Millenials by cussing.  And so we are now treated to the spectacle of Democrat members of congress and party leaders going around the country cussing at their audiences.  Yesterday, Democrat National Committee Chairman Tom Perez told his audience that “Republicans don’t give a sh*t about people,” and “[Republicans] call it a skinny budget, I call it a sh*tty budget.” God help us if the Democrats ever obtain polling data that says they can attract pervert voters by campaigning in the nude.  Nobody needs to see Chuck Schumer implementing that particular tactic.

Just another day in Democrat ****ing America.

That is all.

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Today’s Campaign Update (Because The Campaign Never Ends) – 4.4.2017

  • Supreme Court nominee John Gorsuch was voted out of the Senate Judiciary Committee on a party-line vote.  Hard to believe that not a single Democrat on the Committee chose to do the right thing and vote to confirm him.  That kind of lock-step behavior is so out of character to those open-minded liberals.  Bwah, hahahahahahahahahahhhhhhh!!!  Man, I’m really cracking myself up here.
  • If you expected the major television networks to properly report the bombshell revelation that Obama National Security Advisor Susan Rice actively ordered the unmasking of members of the Trump campaign and transition team dozens of times since at least last July, think again.  Neither ABC nor NBC dedicated a second to reporting on what, if proven, would be the biggest presidential scandal of the nation’s history, and CBS aired a report in which their fake reporter actually defended Ms. Rice’s actions.  These people are going to play out this farce in coordination with the Democrats to the very last move.
  • In reaction to the Susan Rice story, Senator Rand Paul suggested the Senate Intelligence Committee should subpoena her to testify under oath.  Senator John McCain, who has been feverishly pushing the Democrats’ “Trump/Russia” fantasy at every opportunity, was noticeably silent on the matter.
  • Eleven Russians are dead thanks to what authorities describe as a suicide bombing that took place in the St. Petersburg subway on Monday.  The attacker was a Muslim man who hails from the Muslim nation of Kyrgyzstan.  The fake anchors and fake reporters at CNN will spend the next couple of weeks pretending not to know what the poor man’s motivations might have been.
  • President Donald Trump, as he promised, donated his presidential salary for the first quarter of 2017 to the National Park Service on Monday.  The $78k+ will go to the preservation of historic battlefields.  No word yet if the country’s social justice warriors have figured out a way to classify this act as somehow being “racist”, “sexist” or “homophobic”, but it’s just a matter of time.
  • The fake reporters and editors at the NY Times found no room in their fake newspaper to do a proper report on the Susan Rice matter, but did manage to find space for a 1,000 word instruction for Millenials titled “How to find your missing keys.”  It includes such helpful hints from key-finding “experts” as “don’t look where you don’t need to look,”, “don’t go round in circles,” and the capper of all the cappers, “The most efficient way to find something is not to look where you don’t need to look.”  Now that, my friends, is fake news that fits in the fake newspaper of record.
  • The White House unveiled the first official portrait of First Lady Melania Trump.  The fake news media universally used the occasion as an opportunity to jealously cluck about the size of her 25 karat anniversary ring. *sigh*
  • Today is National Hug a Newsperson Day.  I’m not kidding.  However, it only applies to real, actual, non-fake newspeople, so the pickings are extremely thin.  So if you manage to find such an animal to hug, be sure to share it generously.

Just another day in fake news media America.

That is all.

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