Today’s Campaign Update
(Because The Campaign Never Ends)
- The Monkeys learned this by observing how the Clinton Foundation works.: New Scientist reports that a “monkey mafia” that has been stealing stuff from tourists in Indonesia has now learned to sell the stolen stuff back to the same tourists for ransom. Which of course is a lesson Bill and Hillary Clinton learned early in life, and have now passed onto Chelsea.
- Body-slamming his way to congress.: Despite breathless predictions of a “neck and neck” race by fake pundits all over the fake news media leading into election day, Republican Greg Gianforte, who apparently has a promising future in professional wrestling, easily defeated his Democrat opponent, nudist colony entertainer Rob Quist, in Thursday’s election to fill Montana’s vacant congressional seat. No word yet on how the fake reporters in the fake news media will spin this into a moral victory for the tiny, dying Democrat Party.
- From our Historic Presidential Quotes file:
- John F. Kennedy, 1961: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”
- Bill Clinton, 1998: “I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.
- Barack Obama, 2009: “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.”
- Ronald Reagan, 1988: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
- Donald Trump, 2017: “NATO members, pay your damn bills.” Ok, that’s not exactly what President Trump told the gathering of pompous NATO members on Thursday, but it’s what they heard. That’s good enough.
- He never really did have much of a sense of self-awareness or irony.: Speaking of Barack Hussein Obama, he pontificated in Germany yesterday that “In this new world that we live in we can’t isolate ourselves. We can’t hide behind a wall.” Photos from the event show that he gave his talk from behind a ten-foot security wall.
- And then there’s Katy Perry…: Tone-deaf pop star Katy Perry created a minor wave on Wednesday when she told an interviewer that the way to solve the whole Islamic terrorism problem is “Just love…no borders, no walls.” For the record, Ms. Perry’s multi-million dollar home is surrounded by a 12 foot security wall.
- Wait. You want me to substantiate my reports with documentation? But that’s real work.: Real journalists John Solomon and Sara Carter have a report out at Circa News detailing how James Comey’s FBI illegally shared unmasked intelligence information with outside third parties hundreds of times during the Barack Obama Administration. Their report is based on hard data and actual documents. Because it was based on real information, the story was missed by the NY Times and WaPo, whose fake journalists prefer to base their stories entirely on claims by unidentified “sources”, most of which are later proved to be completely false. We can also be absolutely certain that this information will be completely ignored by Special Counsel and long-time Comey crony Robert Mueller.
- They make their projections using the “broken clock” method.: The fake climate “scientists” at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) predicted on Thursday that this year’s hurricane season will produce an “above average” number of tropical storms. This marks the 12th consecutive “above average” prediction from NOAA since 2005, which was the last time we actually experienced an “above average” number of such storms. Climate alarmism at its finest. NOAA is a part of the DC swamp that desperately need draining.
Just another day in Monkey Mafia America.
That is all.
- Wait. Is that even possible? – Two New York University professors recently ran an experiment that yielded shocking results. They organized a mock replay of the first debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, only they had the debaters’ genders reversed. Their goal was to demonstrate that Trump’s conduct in the debate would have been completely unacceptable coming from a woman. Instead, what they demonstrated was that Hillary Clinton would be even less popular than she already is if she were a man instead. “We both thought that the inversion would confirm our liberal assumption—that no one would have accepted Trump’s behavior from a woman, and that the male Clinton would seem like the much stronger candidate,” one of the profs explained. Yeah…no.
- But hey, they’re working 9 days in May, so… – House Speaker Paul Ryan, in an interview with Tucker Carlson Wednesday evening, acknowledged that the House is planning to only be in session for 8 days during the month of April. When asked why that is the case, Speaker Ryan responded that “we want to go listen to our constituents.” Oh, yeah, that’s a peachy idea – go spend 22 days back in the district holding townhalls so Soros-funded radicals can give the fake news media hours of video with which to make you look like a bunch of ineffective simpletons. Great plan, Republicans. (This is me, smacking my damn head.)
- I was going to let that topic go at that, but I just can’t. – Look, somebody has to get to the Speaker and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and remind them that barely a year ago, the Republicans in the congress were the single most detested class of politicians in America. Even more than the Democrats or President Barack Obama, they were the main reason why millions of people out here in “flyover country” were furious at the elitists Washington DC ruling class. They were bailed out of that predicament temporarily by the rise and ultimate victory of Donald Trump over The Most Corrupt Woman in America, but that doesn’t mean that Americans detest them any less than they did a year ago. If this congress continues on its current path of accomplishing literally none of the major promises they all made during their campaigns, they will suffer mightily at the polls in 2018, regardless of how disgracefully the Democrats continue to behave. And that retribution will be richly deserved. It might be wise for the GOP congress to spend more time in DC getting real things done, and less time trying to deflect blame for their own non-performance. Just a thought.
- The GOP Congressional Motto: Always Look a Gift Horse In The Mouth – Two new polls out on Thursday show massive, huge majorities of Americans are in favor of President Trump’s proposal for a $1 trillion infrastructure program. A poll by Quinnipiac shows a surreal 90% support level for the proposal, while a new CNN poll comes in with a comparatively-paltry 79% support level. If you’re thinking this level of popularity makes this program a completely no-brainer for the GOP majorities in congress to get behind and easily pass into law, well, you need to bone up on the behavior of GOP congressional majorities. Their main aptitude has always been and appears to still be their amazing ability to screw up when presented with easy wins. There is no real reason to expect this particular easy winner to turn out any differently.
- You don’t say… – The fake news site BuzzFeed, which has shamelessly promoted the absurdly fake “Trump coordinated with the Russians” story for months now, quietly ran a report in which it quotes Democrat sources on the House and Senate Intelligence Committees expressing concerns that their ridiculous investigations into this fake matter are going nowhere fast. “I don’t think the conclusions are going to meet people’s expectations,” one of the sources said. Well, let’s clarify – they aren’t going to meet the expectations of the Democrats and the fake media reporters who have so shamefully promoted this fake story since last October, but they are going to exactly meet the expectations held by me and many, many others.
- Ironically, she is still her political party’s highest-ranking official. – San Fran Nan Pelosi, the Democrats’ doddering House Minority Leader, was in the middle of yet another incoherent anti-Trump rant yesterday, when she paused, after saying the word “ironically”, and said, “I’m not sure if ‘ironically’ is even a word.” Ironically, none of the fake reporters present thought to clarify that question for her. Probably none of them knew the answer. #Irony
Just another day in fake news media America.
That is all.
- You don’t say. Did he make you obnoxious, too? – The Hollywood Reporter reports that Barbra Streisand is now blaming President Donald Trump for making her gain weight. On Sunday, she Tweeted that “I start the day with liquids, but after the morning news, I eat pancakes smothered in maple syrup!” You may remember that Streisand’s fellow Hollywood nut-job, Lena Dunham, recently told Howard Stern that President Trump was making her LOSE weight. Ladies, we don’t care which it is, we all just wish you’d keep your promise and move to Canada, mmm-kay?
- Bill Clinton would claim that that it isn’t really ‘sex’ at all – The Austin American Statesman reports that a man named Eleodora Estada was arrested for “having sex with a fence.” No word if the fence is pressing charges, or if congressional Democrats will now be moving to make fences a new federally-protected class.
- Our reporting is fake, but without evidence. Wait, what? – The fake news media spent the entire weekend claiming President Trump had accused former President Barack Hussein Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower “without evidence.” This was the narrative that literally every fake news outlet, from CNN to the NY Times, used in its fake reporting on the matter, in yet another obviously joint effort with the Democratic Party. The trouble with the fake media suddenly wanting “evidence” in this entire fake ‘Trump coordinated with Russia to fix the election’ narrative that it and the Democrats have now been pushing for five months is that their own fake reporting has been based entirely on the alleged “FBI intercepts” of alleged communications between the two camps. The term “FBI intercepts” – which the NY Times has repeatedly used in its fake reports on this fake issue since January – is simply another term for “wiretaps.” Thus, if the fake media wants to claim that the President made his allegation “without evidence”, that is a tacit admission that all the fake reporting on this fake issue by the fake media is, well, fake. But then again, that is what the fake news media does.
- Hey, y’all, let’s see if we can out-bi-polar James Comey! – The NY Times ran a report late Sunday that our bi-polar FBI Director, James Comey, had asked the Justice Department on Saturday to refute President Trump’s claim about wiretapping. According to the NY Times – which, in its own bi-polar way, alternately claims that “FBI intercepts” exist, but that there is “no evidence” to support the President’s claim – Mr. Comey is concerned that the claim by the President implies the FBI broke the law. Like everything else in the NY Times, that is of course not true – the President’s claim is that the Obama Administration followed the FISA court process not once, but twice, and was finally able to obtain a court order to proceed. Given that the entire basis for this latest NY Times fake report is the word of unidentified “senior American officials”, whatever that means, it is as likely as not that Mr. Comey never made any such request of the Justice Department. But if he did, he’ll probably change his mind about it today.
Just another fake news weekend in Trump Derangement Syndrome America.
That is all. Maybe. I could go either way.