Leaked Transcript of Trump/Biden Call

In the Oval Office…

“Mr. President?”

“Hello, Mark, come on in. You’re doing a great job, by the way, a big beautiful job, the greatest job we’ve ever seen, nobody does that chief of staff thing like Mark Meadows, I was just telling the governors that on our conference call…”

“Mr. President, Joe Biden’s on the phone.”

“Really? He actually called?”

“Yessir. He’s on line 2.”

“Wow. Ok, let me pick it up…”

“Sir, there’s something you need to know…”

“Say it.”

“Sir, he seems a little confused.”

“Ok, so what else is new?”

“Sir, he asked if he could speak with Dwight, and when I told him Dwight’s not here, he asked for…well, you’ll see. Just expect some surprises.”

“Ok. [hits the button for line 2] Hello, Joe?”

“Mr. President, it’s great to speak to you!”

“Uh, yeah, same here, Joe. What can I do for you?”

“How’s Mamie?”

“Say it again?”

“Mamie! Your wife Mamie!”

“Joe, my wife’s name is Melania…”

“No kidding! Hey, isn’t that burgerfries spankmonkey malarky. And what about your daughter Lynda Bird? She’s such a chili dip boom disco.”

“Lynda B… what?”

“Hey, I need to talk to you about this virus. You know, that polio is really a lot of bark niddle fizzle cheerios.”

“Joe, we got rid of polio in the ’50s…”

“Yeah, and that was when you got elected the first time! How old are you, anyway, you old slickdoodle tree dazzler? That Mamie sure looks good for her age – can I stand behind her and sniff her neck sometime?”

“Joe, did you want to maybe talk about the coronavirus?”

“Hey, I had a Toyota Corona back in the ’80s. You know, I ran for president back then…but stool tile picture frame bee’s knees skiddoo. And that was that.”

“Uh, Mark, a little help here?”

“Let me be clear: Steel heater refrigerator myspace longhorn…you know, th…d’oh…the thing.”

“Joe, I have a meeting I have to…”

“And there’s the thing: You’re a one-eyed snake slapping horse puzzler.”

“Ok, Joe. ‘Bye.”

[End]

 

That is all.

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27 thoughts on “Leaked Transcript of Trump/Biden Call

  1. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

    Hilarious! Great satire!

    I was wondering about the call the President was referring to – and while this is great satire, the President did say he expected it to be leaked, and that the Press already had it.

    I wonder if Vindman will be doing the translating, since QuidProCreepyJoe doesn’t speak a recognizable version of English (just like Michael Obama’s thesis.)

    1. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

      Speaking of Vindman, he should be very unpopular in his home country of Ukraine, since he tried to undo President Trump, the only US President to provide arms to Ukraine, while Obumbler provided blankets and ready-made meals from hell.

      I’d suggest Vindman move to Russia, where his efforts are undoubtedly appreciated

    2. Black Sheep - April 8, 2020

      Lying dog-faced pony soldier. Uhh, yeah. That’s a thing about advancing senility, the mind goes into free-association.
      More important than discussing Sniffy Joe’s rotting brain, is, who will be the Dem. candidate? We all know it won’t be him, and not just because he’s not a Communist but merely a crook. Once the debates started, American democrats would find themselves so embarrassed to be associated with the party they’d leave in droves.

    3. mark - April 8, 2020

      Yeah, satire, but very true.

  2. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

    Gotta wonder if Joe is getting daily hair samples from little girls to sniff while hiding in his basement?

  3. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

    Part of unreleased transcript:

    Biden: “Mr. Secretary of State, I would like you to help me find my teeth; someone has stolen my teeth and they won’t give them back.”

    Trump: “Your teeth? Might want to check with Nancy.”

    Biden: “Thanks, I’ll do that!”

    Trump: “You’re welcome. Anything else I can do for you?”

    Biden: “Yes, you can help me find my teeth.”

    1. Jonesy - April 7, 2020

      Jimmy, at that point its pronounced “teef”

      1. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

        Hahahaha! Great job! “Hep me find mah teef!”

        1. Jonesy - April 7, 2020

          Lol…yep. You got it. Hooked on phonics!

  4. x1stcav - April 7, 2020

    So dbdaily is going to give Babylon Bee a run for its money!

    Good one, David.

  5. Gregg - April 7, 2020

    Not really sure it is satire, Jimmy.

    Biden can probably win a push up contest against Trump, and a fight with the imaginary Corn Pop. Other than that, he is right up there with Woodrow Wilson (D) circa 1919-20, when he had a debilitating stroke. Wilson should have been replaced by his vice president at that point. Instead his wife – the FLOTUS – basically filled in for the remainder of his term. His VP, Thomas Marshall, must have been a real nothing to permit that.

    Anyway, Wilson’s wife played the part of Queen of the US which set a pattern for almost every other Democratic President’s nominal wives: Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosalynn Carter, Walking Eagle, and ‘the One’s’ wife Michelle.

    I cannot think of one Republican FLOTUS who was or acted like a Co-President. Nancy Reagan was prominent in a supportive way with an uplifting and positive anti-drug message, but in no way tried to run any segment of the government or attend cabinet meetings.

    Does anyone think Jill Biden doesn’t see a chance be the power behind the throne? No decent person would allow an obviously infirmed spouse to be made the fool in such a blatant way unless she had an ulterior motive. And she is supposedly some sort of doctor, just like that China shill in charge of the WHO.

    1. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

      I disagree: Quid Pro could NOT win a pushup contest against President Trump; his teeth would fall out on the first try. He’d have to wear a strap to keep ’em in!

      I’d put the current First Lady’s IQ up against any of the others, too. Such grace!

      Moochelle/Michael tried the failed lunch program, causing resentment all over the country, and they made her up with extreme makeovers (she’d previously looked like Michael Vick in drag.) Laura Bush bullied Dubya behind the scenes. (She knows how to make his squirm in his seat.) Rosalynn Carter spent some time with Jim Jones (of Jonestown infamy,) and Nancy Reagan consulted astrologers. Lady Bird had to look the other way – (hard to see where she’d look and not see LBJ in bed with someone) – and we all know about Hillary Rotten and some 500 illegally obtained FBI files, stolen furniture and her ability to bake cookies like Mom did.

      Biden’s wife has a PhD in education, if I remember correctly, and the guy heading the WHO has a doctorate in community health (great! another community organizer!) Jill Biden is likely to be like most women married to bullies, made worse by his increasing dementia; family members are often the target of the demented mind. Could be otherwise, too. (Considering the rumors and new charges, Gropin’ Joe could be suffering from late stage syphilis, too.)

  6. Jonesy - April 7, 2020

    Can’t wait for those two to debate. It won’t even be close. Joe’s train of thought will leave the station about halfway through the event.

    At Joe’s age and apparent rate of decline, every new day is a gift to him and his family. He should spend it with them and leave the country out of it. The DNC can use whatever mechanism it sees fit to replace him and we can get on with the show: 4 more years of Trump.

    1. Gregg - April 7, 2020

      Joe’s train of thought leaving the station halfway through the debate? How about halfway through the first question? The, the, the, thing…

      At this point if Joe put together a coherent thought longer than two sentences would be a gaff.

  7. Cynthia - April 7, 2020

    Could someone PLEASE create a meme of Biden answering questions at the corona briefings? The ACTUAL questions about the virus. President Trump mows ’em down, but can you imagine Biden? OMG – too good!

    1. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

      If you saw Scary Movie 3 and 4 (and I hope you didn’t, because it’s vulgar) you’ll recognize Senile Joe in the character of President Baxter Harris. A quick link for you (vulgarity alert)

      https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=president+baxter+harris+un&docid=608035367230639924&mid=FE9F0A7F8BD9F9377EADFE9F0A7F8BD9F9377EAD&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

  8. phineas gage - April 7, 2020

    I’m hardly the first to say it, but the most accurate analogy for Slow Joe is quickly becoming the film ‘Being There’. Only in this case the media is only pretending to be impressed with the vacuous mutterings of a half-wit.

    1. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

      Yeah, Chance Gardener. Except he’s nice, and not a per^.

  9. Jimmy MacAfee - April 7, 2020

    I’d like to see the press corps wear shock collars. Like invisible fencing.

    Over and out,
    Jimmy

  10. brian - April 7, 2020

    You buncha aardvark wiffle pony blinders shizmo buffer raaaaaaacists. Why do ya’ll hate cheerios so much??

  11. phineas gage - April 7, 2020

    I continue to wonder what is the exit ramp for the DNC with Slow Joe? I think the Godfather talk with Obama has to happen soon, but not until after the nomination is official.

    What replacement candidate will garner the level of black support required, as well as retain the Bernie bros?

    1. brian - April 7, 2020

      Opening a can-o-worms….

  12. Jimmy MacAfee - April 8, 2020

    Squid Pro Slimy Joe is now an official non-entity; no one runs to him for advice, and the advice he gives is weeks old and has already been done by our apparently prescient President.

    Squid Pro Slimy Joe may well be the nominee, because a sane person would not want to run against this President. No matter if Squid Pro is demented. He’s all they have.

  13. Sean O'Casey - April 8, 2020

    I’m appalled at this leak. There simply is no excuse for the leaker to not be found and punished. What has happened to Protecting our National Security?

    1. David Blackmon - April 8, 2020

      You do realize it’s parody, right?

  14. Wayne - April 8, 2020

    Like Trump or not, there is really no choice on the other side. Either left nuts or and weirdos or bots following der leader to the cliff. No choice, a name from the phone book as a candidate.

  15. Ronald D Hardin - April 8, 2020

    The only real question about Joe Biden here is…nursing home or prison.

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