Today’s Campaign Update
(Because The Campaign Never Ends)
Government Shutdown, Day IV: Reporting In From Texas.
Somehow made it back safely from New York yesterday. Despite rampant media assurances of Homeland Security not being funded, DHS personnel manned security checkpoints at LaGuardia and seemed…well, happy. Polite. Even helpful. The guy who insisted on patting down my inner thighs for no discernible reason at all even apologized for doing so.
The Evil Orange Man must be forcing these poor souls to consume mind-altering drugs. I can think of no other rational explanation for such abnormal behavior.
Even more distressing, our flight out of LaGuardia departed on time – American Airlines must now be under military control – and landed at DFW safely and…well, it landed early. I repeat: THE FLIGHT LANDED EARLY. Madness.
As if to emphasize the abnormality of the situation, we were only forced to wait 5 minutes for our baggage to arrive in the Baggage Claims area, where airline personnel on-site were again oddly helpful and even – dare I say it? – cheerful. Several even looked at me and said “happy holidays” and “Merry Christmas.” Obviously code of some sort, though for what, I have no idea.
Back in Texas, the massive impacts of this Government Shutdown are even more readily apparent than they were in the Big Apple.
This morning, the streets of Northern Texas are almost deserted. Not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. Last night I noted that most houses had hundreds of tiny security lights strung across their facades, with many even lighting up their shrubs and trees.
Also – and note this because it is obviously important – many people had inflated strange-looking statues of creatures resembling reindeer, snowmen, angels, bearded men in robes and even a woman holding a tiny baby in what looks for all the world like a manger, complete with sheep and cattle lowing in their front yards.
I can only assume all of this is done in some superstitious effort to ward off the hoards of Government Shutdown Zombies that CNN and Rachel Maddow keep telling us will soon be invading every city in the nation unless the Evil Orange Man relents on his quest to build his evil wall.
I close this report by recounting an extremely odd experience I had in my own house at 3:00 this morning. I awoke to a loud thump! on my roof. Footsteps followed, along with the incessant ringing of tiny little bells. Paralyzed with fear, I lay in my bed for what seemed an eternity, awaiting the next sound.
It came in the form of something very large and very jiggly squeezing its way down our living room chimney. Next came a series of quiet thumps, then a very jolly voice quietly saying “ho-ho-ho” – I swear it said “ho-ho-ho” – and then the sounds of the very large and jiggly thing squeezing its way back up the chimney.
Finally, the voice shouted out a series of names, of which I caught only a few: Dasher! Dancer! Vixen! Seriously, what kind of names are those? Could they be Russian? Could this be just one more part of the Evil Orange Man’s Collusion with Putin?
What sounded like the clatter of a large number of hooves followed – along with that incessant ringing of tiny bells – before it all faded into the distance.
Once I was certain things were safe, I made my way into our living room. There I found a tree – an evergreen – all lit with tiny white lights. And beneath it lie a number of boxes wrapped in brightly-colored paper, with bows and ribbons around it. I have no explanation for this anomaly, but assume it can only be a part of the Evil Orange Man’s plan.
My best guess: The jolly man I heard last night was the leader of the vanguard of the coming Government Shutdown Zombie invasion, and “ho-ho-ho” is their battle cry. The boxes? Obviously filled with bombs. We will be evacuating our home shortly.
It won’t be long now. I will continue to report in for as long as I last. Oh, the humanity.
That is all.
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