Today’s Campaign Update (Because The Campaign Never Ends) – 5.6.2017

  • Sen. Rand Paul announced that he has filed requests with U.S. intelligence agencies and the White House to determine if he was also subject to surveillance while running for president by the Obama Administration.  Given that we now know that the NSA alone abided by more than 2000 requests by Obama officials to unmask Americans during 2016, wouldn’t it be quicker for our intel agencies to simply reveal which GOP presidential candidates were not subjected to this kind of surveillance?
  • The evil minions at Facebook announced the social media giant now plans to begin rolling out its own set of “TV-like” programs.  No word if its offerings will include a series named “I’m checking in from Starbucks to get my mocha-soy-frappa-latte now!”, or a Food Channel look-alike series titled “I’m having pulled-pork tacos for supper.  Yum!”, but it would seem pretty likely.
  • BBC reports that France’s new law banning “extremely thin” models has now gone into effect, which I guess means that no models from Venezuela will be able to get into France anymore, given that socialism has resulted in the starving population there having lost an average of 19 pounds in the last year.
  • Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. must be proud.:  Minnesota is currently facing an outbreak of measles, causing anti-vaxxers to leave the state en masse, since their work there now appears to be done.
  • RFK, Jr. thinks its a great substitute for the MMR vaccine.:  The Telegraph reports that scientists have now determined that eating boogers is good for your health, which came as great news in Venezuela.  I swear I don’t make this stuff up, folks.
  • This is why I feel stronger after stubbing my toe.:  In other study news, a professor at England’s Keele University has determined that shouting cusswords can make you stronger.  Which, if true, definitely means that Stephen Colbert is the strongest host on late night television.
  • They took a wrong turn in Albuquerque.:  KHOU in Houston reports that 395 migratory birds were found dead in downtown Galveston after their flock crashed into the American National Insurance high-rise office building.  I’m setting the over/under on progressives using this as a reason to ban skyscrapers at 28 hours.
  • It’s a cardinal sin at CNN.:  We had big news on Friday when CNN’s fake news anchor Jake Tapper actually told his viewers the truth about the myriad lies Democrats used to sell the collapsing Obamacare system to the public, stating that “The way that [Obamacare] was sold to the American people was in many ways mendacious.”  No word yet on when Mr. Tapper will be fired by his fake news masters at the nation’s fakiest fakey fake news outlet.
  • They still give Hillary an 85% chance of winning.:  The “experts” at the Cook Political Report solemnly announced on Friday that they now see better outlooks in the 2018 mid-term elections for Democrat challengers in 20 congressional seats currently held by Republicans after Thursday’s vote to repeal and replace Obamacare.  This would be the same “experts” at the Cook Report who completely whiffed on every aspect of the 2016 election campaign.  Republicans everywhere should be cheering.

Just another day in spying on everybody who eats boogers and doesn’t get vaccinated America.

That is all.